Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Confessions of a Fag Hag -- Chapter 8

My dreams were full of conflicting emotion. It felt like it had
been eons since this whole mess started with a simple weekend away, but it
was only Monday night! I think I had such fretful dreams because so much
had happened since the previous Friday and it was beginning to become
overwhelming. Good thing it was Thanksgiving in a couple of days and I'd
get a day or two off as we all went home for the holiday to be with family.
But then, when we returned it would be back to school, back to
relationships, and the big formal seminary winter dance. I had invited
Matt as my date, but he wouldn't be back yet from his holiday, so I was
going solo. At first I had thought of asking Drew informally, but let it
be as I hoped he would get up the courage to bring one of his friends
instead. It would be a little awkward, but I knew it would make it more
fun for him, even if he and his date didn't feel comfortable dancing

So, all these things were on my mind as I slept: Matt, Julia, Drew,
Thanksgiving with family, the dance, classes . . . so no wonder I tossed
and turned. From the best I can remember when I woke up suddenly, I had
been dreaming first about my evening adventures with Matt. I relived the
bath scene and his passion in the hot water, my body hungering for his. I
woke up and the taste and feel of him was very present on my lips and in my
loins, so I snuggled up close and buried my face in his chest, breathing in
the scent of him. He was sound asleep and if he hadn't been so sore I would
have woken him in the hopes of finishing off the sensations from the dream.
My body certainly wished for it. As it was, I finally was able to fall
back asleep, and then had a second dream about him. This one started off
well enough, building up to more passion very quickly, probably because of
my heated and extra-sensitive state from the last dream, but suddenly
everything changed. Matt started yelling at me and hurting me, keeping me
from moving and overpowering me. I felt crushed by his weight as he tried
to force me to do things I didn't particularly care for, and afraid as he
said hurtful things when I was not responsive to him in the way he wished.
I cried out in fear in my dream and evidently woke myself up as I cried out
loud for real, and found Matt leaning heavily on me, probably the reason I
felt crushed in my dream. I was shaking from the emotions and fears the
dream caused and at that moment did not want to be anywhere near him. I
slipped out of the bed and grabbed my pillow and a blanket off the chest at
the foot of the bed, then went into the living room and lay down on the
couch. I couldn't fall asleep at first as I was afraid from what had
happened in the dream. What if those things really did happen? What if
Matt really did treat me that way? What would I do? Finally I calmed
myself down by getting away from those thoughts and imagining myself, of
all things, secure in Julia's arms. Yes, I know it was traitorous, being
right there in Matt's apartment, to imagine being with Julia, but it wasn't
even the sexuality that I focused on, but the security of being there with
her. When I did fall asleep, I found myself dreaming of being with her,
instead of with Matt, which was probably best for the rest of the evening.

I woke up to noises from the kitchen. As I opened my eyes I turned
over towards the noise and pulled the covers closer up around my chin
against the morning chill. Yawning I looked fuzzily for Matt and saw him
moving around across the bar in the kitchen. I had left my glasses in his
room last night when I moved, and so couldn't see him very well, but I
could tell where he was at least.

"Good morning, sleepy head," he shouted out to me. "Hungry? I'm
fixing eggs and sausage . . ."

"Sounds delicious," I sleepily yawned back. "Smells wonderful too.
Anything I can do to help?" I offered, hoping for a `no' but willing to
offer my services if needed.

"Of course not, lay there and relax. It's my gift to you for a
great night last night."

"Mmm, yes, that was a lot of fun, and very enjoyable," I smiled
over at him.

"But why did you leave in the middle of the night? I woke up about
4 am cold `cause you weren't there any longer. Did I snore too loudly?"

"No, but you did roll over on me. I just wanted more space. I'm
used to sleeping alone, remember? Plus, I was tossing and turning a lot and
didn't want to disturb your sleep."

"Oh, gee, I'll have to learn not to squish you I guess," he
chuckled. "Your phone is blinking, by the way. You must have gotten a
message sometime last night or this morning."

Sitting up, I reached over to the coffee table, where I had set my
purse when I arrived last night. Sure enough, my phone was blinking there
beside it. "Thanks. Let me check it real quickly."

I hit the voice-mail button and was greeted by Drew's voice. "Diana,
you have to see this guy I met. He's a really neat person, and, well, go
check him out. I sent you an e-mail on how to find his info online, he's a
real hottie!" I chuckled and couldn't wait to see what kind of a find Drew
had discovered.

"It was just Drew," I told Matt. "Hey, did you two have dinner last
night? How did it go?"

"Oh, yeah," Matt replied, "We did. It was alright I guess. I
. . . um, well, eh it was alright."

"What?" I inquired, "Is he still angry at you?"

"Yeah, he's pissed, but that won't change soon I guess. I, uh, tried
to explain, but . . . never mind. It was alright. Can we talk about
something else?"

"Uh, sure, I guess," I answered, confused. What had happened that he
was so tongue-tied about it? "Are you sure everything's okay?" I should
have let it go.

"Damn it all, can't we just talk about something else, please?" He
raised his voice angrily. What button had I hit? "You and your friends,
geesh, it's like you can't separate any of you, you're always in each
other's business and shit, and doesn't that annoy the crap out of you

"Sometimes, I guess," I answered hesitantly, surprised at his
outburst, "But more often than not, it reminds me of how much I am loved.
I don't see it as nosiness, but instead concern. Does it bother you?"

"Yes!" He replied angrily, "I can't get you alone, even when we are
alone its like there's one of your friends right there with us. I bet you
tell them everything, every little detail about how we fuck, and that
drives me crazy."

"No, I do not," I indignantly replied, "That would be uncalled for
and sick, plus, that's just between us. They just want to make sure that I
am okay and that I am happy. If you can't handle someone wanting me to be
happy, then we need to think about this a little differently. As I
mentioned when we first met, I come with baggage, good baggage. My cats
and my friends. If you can't deal with either of them, then I can't be
there the way you want me to be."

"It's not that, damn, I've burned the eggs," he continued, "I mean,
having friends and all is great, we all need `em for goodness sakes, but
your friends are over the top! You care about them more than me, they have
more of you than I do, and I don't like that at all."

"Like I told you yesterday morning, they have a different part of me.
And right now, with the way you are slamming them, you aren't getting very
far in getting to that part of me that has more than enough to share with
you. Matt, I care very much about you, but you're scaring me. I can't
have someone who wants more than I'm willing to give. I've already given
you my body, isn't that enough? Please don't do this to me."

"You're body is fabulous, my dear," he growled back, "But it isn't
enough. I wanted to ask you to move in with me, but I'm guessing you won't
give me that. Your independence scares me, and I am afraid to lose you to
someone else. I want you to be mine, and me to be yours because I love
having you around, love making love to you, and just plain love who you
are. But I feel like I give you more than you are willing to give me, and
that hurts."

"You know the last thing I want to do is hurt you, and you know I
care deeply about you. How many more times do I have to tell you? I'm
willing to tell you every day if it helps, but when you first say I'm too
dependent on my friends and then say I'm too independent it confuses me as
to what you really want. I am scared that you are saying you want me all
to yourself and that you're not willing to share me. Why can't you do
that? Because if that's what you want, I can't give that to you. I can't
give that to anyone."

"Damn," he shouted, and I heard him slamming the pots around in the
kitchen, "Breakfast is ruined, thanks a lot."

Scared, I stood up and walked back towards the bedroom. It was time
for me to go. I was shaking as I pulled on my clothes and gathered my stuff
together. Suddenly he was there, watching me get dressed, glowering
angrily. "Matt, I'm sorry. I truly am. I was looking forward to breakfast
so I'm sorry it got messed up."

"That's okay, don't worry about it," he tried to smile. "What are
you doing though?"

"I can't stay, you're scaring me. I need to go. I'm sorry," I
continued to apologize, terrified. I had an irrational fear of angry men,
so anything that upset a man made me shake, and Matt was obviously quite
upset at the moment. "It's not you, it's just that I . . . well, I need to
go. Maybe we need to have a little time apart. The past few days have been
very intense."

"No!" he shouted at me, walking quickly towards me, "You can't go,
you can't leave me, Diana. I need you. I can't bear not being with you,
please don't leave me. I need you," he cried out, bending over and grabbing
me by the shoulders.

I tried to back away and pull out of his grasp, but he squeezed me
tighter and pushed down, tripping me and causing me to fall backwards. He
quickly knelt down beside me, groping me, trying to kiss me while
apologizing, "I didn't mean to hurt you, to scare you. Please, stay with me
a while longer, I'll make it up to you."

Scared out of my wits I wriggled from his grasp, ran down the hall
and grabbed my stuff from the living room. He quickly got up and ran after
me, still begging me to stay. "Goodbye Matt, I'll talk to you later," I
called out as I slipped out his front door and ran out to my car. Getting
in, I locked the door as I saw him open his front door and heard his
muffled voice as he continued to call out to me. I started the car and
drove quickly away. Still shaking, I drove a few miles, probably going
much faster than the speed limit allowed, and pulled into a convenience
store. I dug out my cell phone and called Julia. I wanted to call Drew,
but was afraid of what he might do to Matt if I did. The phone rang and
rang and then I got her answering machine. I quickly left a message to call
me when she got in, then frantically thought of what to do next. I
couldn't go home, so I just started driving. On autopilot I soon found
myself in the parking lot of Drew's townhouse complex. "Screw it," I
thought as I parked, "Screw what happens to Matt," and walked up to Drew's
place, then knocked on the door, my hand still shaking. No answer, so I
knocked again, harder, taking a deep breath. "Please be here, Drew,
please," I thought, then the door opened and I ran up to him.

"What's wrong?" He had time to ask as he noticed my distress.
Immediately he got down on his knees and embraced me in one of his bear
hugs. "It'll be okay," he whispered as I could no longer hold in the
stress and began sobbing. Knowing how much he hated girls sobbing around
him, for it tore him up so, I tried not to, but couldn't help
myself. "It'll be okay," he continued to croon.

I finally was able to regain enough control to realize how disheveled
I was. "I'm sorry Drew. I had a rough morning," I tried to smile at him
through my tears. "Can I, can I come in?"

He looked back over his shoulder then back at me, "Yeah, um, come on
in." It was then that I noticed there was someone else in the room behind

"Damn, I've come at a bad time, haven't I?" I began tearing up again.

"Stop that now," Drew smiled at me, "It's alright. Come in and tell
me about it, you've evidently been in some distress." He turned and walked
back into his living room, motioning for me to follow. Hesitantly, I did,
eyeing his guest carefully. He stood up as I entered and Drew introduced
us. "Diana, this is Evan. Evan, Diana." I reached out and shook his hand,
said a few pleasantries, then Drew interrupted, "I know this isn't the best
time to meet, but I'm sure there'll be time to get to know one another
better later."

"Yeah, I should go," I looked up at Drew, turning.

"No, I didn't mean it that way; I meant you need to talk. Evan,
excuse us for a bit, do you mind?" He blushed. He blushed? Oh! I realized
I had interrupted. What an idiot I am sometimes!

"Drew, no, please, I'll go talk to Jess or something. . ."

"Stop that, you are staying here, young lady!" He smiled at me, then
took me by the shoulder and guided me back to the backyard. We went
outside and sat at his patio table. "Tell me what's happened," he

"But, but Evan?" I asked

"He's the one I left you the message about. You'll get a chance to
know him better, he's coming to the dance with me," Drew couldn't help but
smile. "Now, he can take care of himself for a moment, while you tell
all. Now! I want to get back there soon and you're hemming and hawing isn't
helping, because I'm not getting back there until you tell me what
happened!" He forcefully told me, looking me sternly in the eye.

"Yes sir," I couldn't help but sheepishly smile at him. Then I told
him what had transpired that morning with Matt, watching him get more and
more livid by the moment.

"He has no right, no right!" he mumbled under his breath, "Even with
his `excuse' he has no right!"

"Huh?" I asked.

"Hmm? Oh, never mind. He has no right to treat you this way."

"What `excuse' though?"

"Oh nothing, just something we talked about last night at dinner,"
Drew avoided. I knew if he didn't want to tell me something, wild horses
weren't going to pull it out of him, so I went on with my story. When I
was finished I begged him not to bother Matt. "What will you do?" he

"Right now, go home and wait for Julia to call. We need to talk I
think. I can't wait for the couple of days around Thanksgiving. I need
that break from all of this. I need to get away, even though I love all of
you, this is stressing me out."

"Go home and rest. Even when Julia calls, if you need your time,
she'll understand, so tell her. Don't call Matt, he needs to cool down and
you need to give yourself some space from him. Pray and rest and have some
personal space. It'll help clear your head. Now, go!" he smiled.

"Yep, time for you to go entertain your guest." I smiled back,
laughing as he blushed.

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