Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Confessions of a Fag Hag - Chapter 17

A couple of nights later, I ran into my friend Jennifer at The
Triple R, the barbeque place where Drew used to bartend, and where we
sometimes went to eat. I had gone for a good meal by myself, as I needed
some time to study a little and gather my thoughts, and was reading a book
when Jennifer and her partner Jenna came in. They saw me sitting alone and
asked if I would like some company and I told them I'd love to have them
join me. Jennifer and I had gotten to know each other better right after
Drew came out, because I had so many questions, especially about being gay
in the church, and Jennifer was a fellow seminary student with the two of
us. So, we'd had some good conversations and when she brought Jenna to a
recent campus party, I made sure to get to know her better too. While we
were eating, Jenna invited me to an upcoming, "Prepare for Exams" party
that the couple would be hosting at their house, also in the Fan. They
lived not too far from Drew. I said I'd love to come, but needed to check
my schedule, and we ate the rest of our meal with small talk and such.

When I got home, I made sure to look to see if I could go, and my
Saturday evening was free. The party would start at 9. I was a little
nervous, for I hadn't really asked them what type of party it would be.
Jenna wasn't a student, she was a teacher in the local schools, and
Jennifer had grown up in the area so had local friends. Therefore,
anywhere from a full house of lesbians, to a wide variety of folks could be
there. I hoped for the latter, nothing against lesbians, but I was nervous
as to what might happen if I were suddenly in a room with a bunch of them.
Not nervous because of getting hit on or anything, for, just like anyone
else, I knew they wouldn't push me if they didn't feel I wasn't one of
them, but nervous because of what I might discover about myself. After
all, I had quite a, let's call it, um, interesting, relationship with
Julia. I didn't feel like I could call myself a lesbian, for I wasn't
sexually attracted to women, but I also didn't know what you would call
what Julia and I were up to, if that wasn't the case. I definitely was
attracted to men, look at my affection for Alex. Maybe I was bi, but
knowing how gay Drew felt, in that he couldn't even see sleeping with a
woman without getting grossed out, and how straight most others tried to
be, I felt like I couldn't just waffle in the middle without making a
decision one way or the other. It was unfair to those who had no choice,
and made me feel like a loose cannon. I wanted a commitment, not a "this
today" "that tomorrow" type of life. Soon, I would have to figure it out,
and I was half afraid that going to this party would throw me in the
opposite direction from that toward which I was currently leaning.

The week passed uneventfully. We all had dinner together Friday
night, but for the most part just ran into each other now and then during
the week because classes kept us so busy, especially since it was between
Thanksgiving Break and Exams. Soon, Saturday was here and the evening was
quickly approaching. Drew had gone home for the weekend to Portland, as he
had to meet with his church's ministry board for something or other, and
Julia had holed up in her room to prepare for exams all week, so I had no
idea what she was doing. The kittens were probably keeping her pretty busy
too. I didn't know if I'd see her at the party or not, for she didn't
really know Jennifer all that well. I really wished Drew were here to go
with me. I almost invited Alex and Evan, but felt they might be
uncomfortable around people they knew. I did call, though, and found out
Alex was under the weather with a sinus infection, so didn't even mention
it. The evening passed as I waited for 9 p.m. and I sat down to read a
good book. I got really involved with the book and kinda was putting off
looking at the clock, halfway wanting to just stay home for the evening.
Suddenly, the phone rang and it was Drew.

"Why are you still at home?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" I responded, trying to act dumb. "Why are you
calling me at, oh gosh, it's 11 p.m. already!"

"Exactly, you should be out at that party!"

"Oh, yeah, the party . . ." I hemmed and hawed a little bit.

"Go, Diana. It'll be good for you. You can call me after if you
need to, well if it's not too late . . ." he changed his mind, probably
realizing it was 11 now, and I might not get back until 1 or 2 a.m. "You
can e-mail me all about it . . ."

"I wish you were here to go with me."

"You'll be fine. It'll be good for you to go by yourself. Meet
some new friends," I could hear him smiling.

"That's what I am afraid of," I smiled back. "Okay. I'm dressed; I
just need to get in the car and drive. I'll talk to you later," I said.

"Good luck. You'll have fun, I know you will." And he hung up.

I pulled on my coat, hoping the party hadn't ended yet, but knowing
it was probably just getting going full strength, and walked out to the
car. While I let it run to warm up a minute, shivering, I convinced myself
to go with an open mind, and that it would be fun. I would have fun . . .

A few minutes later, after having successfully found Jennifer and
Jenna's house, and after successfully parallel parking after only one try,
I felt confident and ready to enjoy myself. I walked up and some people
were talking outside.

"Still going strong in there?" I asked, going up the stairs to the

"Oh yeah, go on in." They responded.

I knocked and opened the door. The living room was full, both men
and women, and the first person I saw was David. David was someone I knew!

"Hey there!" I smiled.

"Oh, it's great to see you, Diana," David effused, reaching out and
giving me a hug. "You, me, and Jennifer are the only seminary students
here, but that's ok."

David was a first year student, also a gay man, and I didn't know him very
well, but did know he was very sweet. I had also gotten to know him
better, like Jennifer, after Drew had come out. It opened a whole new
world for me, as far as friendships were concerned, because prior to that
event, I wasn't necessarily anti- or pro-homosexuality, but more or less on
the fence as far as marriage, ordination, and all that was concerned. When
someone I loved like my brother came out, I knew that I had made my choice
as to which side I was going to stand on, and so I began seeking
information and community in that regard. Through that, I got to know
Jennifer and David a lot better, and was enjoying the relationships.

"Did you bring Jack?" Jack was David's partner, but he lived a half-hour
away in Boston and was a graduate student there. He wasn't so sure about
David's seminary career, but he supported him and they visited on weekends.

"No, he hates social situations, so I couldn't convince him to come," David

"Oh shucks! I still need to meet him soon." I replied.

"We'll just have to get together as a smaller group sometime, then he'll

"Sounds good. Have you seen Jennifer?"

"J's in the back somewhere."

So, I walked towards the back of the apartment, looking for J, as Jenna and
their gay and lesbian friends called Jennifer. On the way, I passed the
room where people were dancing, yep, a bunch of ladies dancing together,
and ran into Jenna along the way.

"Diana, I'm so glad you made it!" She smiled at me. A beautiful woman with
a strong presence, Jenna looked like she was having fun. She was also
quite the artist, and her work was hanging everywhere. She used great
colors, but more interesting than that were the themes she used, which J
had told me about. Virgin Marys with Medusa hair and burning hearts, and
much lesbian-esque imagery that definitely spoke of her strong sexual
preference. It was something I had not experienced before, even though I'd
almost gone to one of her art shows, but it was an intriguing experience.

"Thanks for inviting me. Your art is fascinating, Jenna!" I smiled at her.

"Hmm, fascinating isn't a word that I've heard used before. Usually,
'Great!' Or 'Disturbing' but not so much 'Fascinating,'" she laughed.
"Thanks, I think."

"Hey Diana!" J came out of the kitchen and saw me.

David had come back too and we three stood around talking with Jenna went
off to dance. A few of J's high school friends came in and introduced
themselves, and I quickly figured out they were straight, as they were
talking about their fianc�s and husbands. For the next bit we all chatted
and had small talk. We joked about "beautiful people," or people of both
sexes we found attractive, the phrase was coined by Drew for movie watching
and "beautiful people" spotting in said movies. Dale of course had fun as
we listed men, and J contributed women. Of course both listed people of
either sex, but it was cute seeing whom in Hollywood both found attractive.

Eventually folks began to go home. I had, after all, arrived two hours
late. About midnight the room cleared out of all of J's high school buddies
and all that were left were what I guessed to be lesbians. Having never
hung out with gay women, and curious, I remained as well. I wanted to get
to know Jenna a little better too.

A little while later, as we're all sitting around the room chatting, the
talk dies down momentarily. Jenna suddenly turns to me and says, "Diana,
do you have lesbian tendencies?"

"Why, Jenna, yes, I do." I quickly respond. I cannot lie about it. I will
readily admit it, for I know what I've written, done, and considered.
Julia is there in my mind, fresh and present and wonderful. "Why do you

By this point, Jenna had been drawn into other conversation, so J leans
over and says, "Diana, the men that you've fallen for have been gay. That's
a sign that you like more effeminate men, and so it made Jenna curious."

"Actually," Jenna rejoined our conversation, "It is because you are the
only straight woman I know who would remain to hang out with a room full of

So, they were all lesbians, it was confirmed now, was the first thought
that ran through my head. The second one I verbalized, "But, why? I wanted
to hang out a little longer, and talk some more."

"Because, a room full of lesbians would freak out a straight girl," she

"I think," J interjected, "That you are curious."

I nodded. "Yes, actually, that is a big part of it." I couldn't deny that
either. Curious, though, more in an intellectual way than a sexual one.
Curious to figure out who I was in this crazy world.

"Ok, well you know the whole GLBTQ, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender,
thing," J continued, "Q some say stands for Queer, but . . ."

"It actually stands for questioning, I just learned a few weeks ago. Flo
Garrish was incorrect when she told us it stood for Queer last year in
Bible from the Underside." Flo Garrish was a New Testament professor, and
an exceptional one, as well as a very strongly liberal professor who taught
differing views of Biblical interpretation, such as that of the gay
community, African American community, and especially her specialty, the
feminist community.

"Yes, so maybe you are questioning." J finished.

"You know, I think you are right." I smiled.

"Have you ever heard of the Kinsey Scale?" Jenna asked.

"Yes. We were talking about that just the other day at the lunch table.
It's the continuum that says most of the population is neither 100%
straight nor 100% gay. Most people have a slight attraction to both sexes,"
I responded.

"Yes, exactly. So, you fall somewhere on that scale that probably isn't one
end or the other." Jenna continued.

I nodded. "I think you are right. Just 'Where?' is my question," I

We all chatted for a while more, and we ended up dancing a little more
too. I had fun and eventually things died down and I went home. When I got
back it was 2:30 a.m. so I knew better than to call Drew. But damn, did I
wish for a walk. We always walked when there was something on our
minds. He and I had talked about this subject right after my rendezvous
with Julia the first time, and he thought for sure I would come out to him
then and there as a lesbian. But, I didn't "feel" gay, and he said I would
know if I were. But, the subject was still relevant and I wished I could
walk with him again. Instead, I dropped him an e-mail describing the

I talked about how I was attracted to men, but in many ways they scared me.
The recent Matt experience didn't help. It had a lot to do with seeing the
pain they could inflict while I was growing up. Also, I described how I
found some women attractive, but it didn't necessarily make me want to
sleep with them. More than anything, I wanted companionship, and there
were some men who attracted me in that way, along with some women who
attracted me in that way. Alex and Julia were perfect examples. But, I
needed to decide. Would it be my decision? Or would the decision be made
for me by the best one of either sex to come along and sweep me off my

All I knew that I could do right now, I told him as I finished the e-mail,
was enjoy my gay male friends, my cute straight ones, and explore my
attraction to self-assured women. And, continue to be the best fag hag
that I could, for my gay men were the best friends of both worlds that a
gal could have.

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